>Prisoner of air conditioning, coping with side effects

>

I hate to be redundant, but it’s freakin’ HOT! I never really liked air conditioning, I like open windows and a nice breeze; but when a friend recently offered to give me a small room air conditioner I finally broke down. It does help, quite a bit in fact, but I’m beginning to feel like a prisoner in my air conditioned room. I’m trying to avoid feeling useless and unproductive, which quickly leads to depression. I’ve been writing a lot, reading, and researching resources to help me get moved out of this apartment. All those years of Social Work and Advocacy are paying off. Resources are out there but knowing how and who to ask is essential. One thing that troubles me is the lack of support for Hep C patients. There are foundations for people with other diseases, but nothing, in my area at least, for Hep C.
But I’m digressing, what I wanted to do was talk about the importance of managing side effects. It’s kind of a snowball effect (mmmm snow); if you don’t manage the side effects, you feel crappy. When you feel crappy, you don’t get things done. when you don’t get things done, you feel more demoralized and depressed which leads to less motivation for self-care and side effect management, and so on it goes. We can’t change the weather but we can do things to be more comfortable. Air conditioning, cool showers, drinking tons of water and taking it easy. Sometimes we have to accept that we can’t get everything accomplished that we would like, but it is what it is. If there’s one thing I’m learning from all this its how to practice self-care, to ask for help (I’m still working on the not feeling guilty about it part)
It helps me to have reminders around telling me what I should be doing to take care of myself, and its a lot more effective than waiting until I feel horrible and then doing something about it.

A useful and comprehensive guide can be found at 

http://www.hcvadvocate.org/hepatitis/factsheets_pdf/Treatment_Side_effect_Guide.pdf

it’s good advice, and can help make this process a lot less miserable. Next time: coping with emotions, or the three faces of eve revisited.
© 2010 Jennifer Hazard
image courtesy of Microsoft clipart collection

>The Next Step

>This post was originally published on http://nanakoosasplace.blogspot.com/ in May 2010

Whenever I sit down to write, whether it be a blog, or journal or my ongoing project (do I dare say book?) I spend some time reflecting on my life, on who I’ve been, roles I’ve played, where I am now and where I want to be in the future. In the moments that I look at the Big Picture, I sometimes think to myself, ‘wow, I’ve had a pretty messed up life”. If I happen to be in a particularly spiritually focused moment I’ll say ‘I’ve really overcome a lot of challenges”. Both things are true, it’s just a matter of perspective. I’ve also accomplished some good in my life. I’ve been a Social Worker most of my adult life and I’ve been able to utilize my experiences and compassion to help many individuals and families. And although I haven’t always been the parent of the year, I must have done some things right because my children have all turned out to be intelligent, creative, caring individuals.
I’ve accomplished a lot of personal growth. I haven’t had a drink in 10 years. I have avoided abusive relationships. I no longer obsess about things over which I have no control. I no longer feel the need to plan ahead for the “worst possible scenario”. And I no longer flinch when someone makes a sudden move or noise near me. I’m far from perfect but as they say no one is perfect, nor would I want to be, but I’m generally pretty content with who I am today.
As most of us know healing happens in layers and cycles, and it seems to me at least, that the more “issues’ you start out with having the more layers and cycles you must negotiate.
So, now I’m into a whole new territory, a new layer, a new cycle. And I am reminded again that there is always considerable overlap between these layers, as most of the problems we survivors have experienced are intertwined. Therefore as we grow through one issue, we are really simultaneously healing other areas of our psyches, bodies and social lives as well. By now I can only hope you are wondering with baited breath what this mysterious “next layer” is. I realized I don’t share much personal detail in my blogs. I write as a survivor/recovering alcoholic, but I stick to generalized topics and themes. And yet ultimately one of my hopes is for my website to become a forum where people can share their stories, because I believe there is great power in the telling, as well as in the receiving, of these stories.
My most recent battle, or challenge, is a particularly difficult one for me because it involves consequences of bad decisions I’ve made in the past and because it is something over which I have limited control. About 12 years ago I was diagnosed with Hepatitis C, a consequence of my IV drug use back in the 80’s. At that time, being the dedicated alcoholic that I was, my reaction was to drink as much as I possibly could for a solid year because I knew I’d have to quit soon to save my liver. For those of you who are not addicts, trust me, this logic makes perfect sense to an addict. In a way the diagnosis and my irrational response, was a catalyst to my recovery from alcohol. As you can well imagine drinking as much as possible for an entire year leads to some pretty nasty situations. I ended up in jail more than once, lost my job, my apartment and worst of all my kids. Every time I tried to quit I only made it so far before I was at it again. Finally, as an alternative to a 9 month incarceration I was sent to a residential treatment center. I can honestly say that experience saved my life in more ways than one.
Anyway, despite my best efforts to destroy my liver, I have fared pretty well over the past 9 years or so. In the past year however, I found myself increasingly fatigued, foggy and achy. I thought I had fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue syndrome. Then at this year’s liver screen we discovered my viral load was up and some of my other numbers were off. A biopsy revealed a small amount of liver scarring. To make a long story short, my doctor and I decided that since I’m unemployed right now anyway and since the damage hasn’t progressed too far, now might be a good time to try treatment.
The treatment for Hep C is Interferon and Ribavirin combination therapy. I won’t go into great medical detail here but I will tell you the side effects are pretty notorious, and for good reason. The worst and most common are fatigue, loss of appetite, foggy thinking and, my personal favorite, depression. It’s pretty much a full time job. So after all the healing of my emotions, my thought and behavior patterns now it seems to be time to heal the physical realm. And of course there’s the overlap. The guilt I’ve felt at having been careless with using IV drugs. The sense of loss of not having the energy to be there for my family in the way I’d like. The identity crisis of going from being passionate defender of justice for my clients to being unemployed and pretty much unable to work, at least during the course of treatment. And yet, there are wonderful opportunities for growth. I have time to do things like write, gardening and crafting, to nurture my creative side. I have to opportunity to give back to myself some of the nurturing and forgiveness I so naturally afford to others but save little for myself.
I began this journey on treatment 8 weeks ago now and I’ve already experienced a vast range of emotions, insights and humbling epiphanies. Yes it’s challenging, to say the least, but if I’ve learned nothing else from my years of diverse experiences, it is that if we choose to, we become wiser, stronger more complete beings for ever challenge we survive.
Peace and Blessings,
Nanakoosa
© 2010 Jennifer Hazard

Labels: acceptance, health, Hepatitis C, identity, interferon

If you don’t get it right the first, second or third time…

Hello all,
You may have noticed I’ve been futzing with different template designs. I’ve been having some issues finding the right layout, one that enables me to post the information I need or want to share. Because I do have a website http://www.nanakoosasplace.com I’m going to experiment with adding my blog to that site. I’m actually working on simplifying all elements of my life, donating unused items, clearing out clutter, organizing paperwork etc. so this makes perfect sense. I’ve never been the most organized person in the world, but I have also realized that I do possess the capacity for organization. Part of the problem throughout my life has been the chaotic situations and people I have, either willingly or unwillingly, had in my life. I’ve tended to cater to other’s needs and desires even if only a passive way, by denying my own.
My theme for this year is all about reclaiming and redefining myself, taking control of my life and my environment. I can only believe that fate has had a hand in creating the circumstances where I am needing to relocate. I love my flat and have lived here for four years, but it’s too big and too expensive now. I normally hate moving, but I’m beginning to look forward to a fresh environment to recreate my life within.
I will keep readers updated as I merge my blog. In the meantime check out my website if you haven’t already, I’m constantly updating it with new information and features as I learn more about how to do all this stuff.
Peace,
Nanakoosa

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Can We Break this Cycle?

When will it end?

I don’t know how much more I can stand. My anger grows like a dangerous flame, soon to rage out of control. My sadness and disappointment is like a pile of rocks on my chest. Crush the Witch.

I was awakened this morning by my daughter bursting into my room in tears. Outside were yelling, swearing, insults and threats. I knew the voice spewing the ugly filth: it was James her ex-boyfriend.

He had broken into her house, wielding a baseball bat, threatening to “beat her ass’ He hit her, he got into a fight with her current dating partner. He broke the kitchen window with the baseball bat.

It won’t end here. He will keep going. He will keep hurting, if he is not stopped. He MUST be stopped.

I hate the fact that part of me wants to respond to violence with violence. I want to punch his arrogant, lying self serving face.

Instead I pray for Justice to be served. We filed a police report, we gave a good description. The cops are aware of his record. Let’s pray they find him…no bail, no quarter.

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Happy mother’s Day

Hello All,
I just wanted to take a moment to honor Mother’s Day and all women who have cared for and “Mothered” someone else (including ourselves). mothering is more than just giving birth. It is teaching, guiding, mentoring, providing comfort and love. In my family of origin I was fortunate to have many mother figures who helped raise me. My own Mother is an amazing woman who has survived and overcome many obstacles and I am grateful for her courage today and every day.
Since this blog is a place to honor our healing processes, I’d like you all to take a moment to acknowledge how you have mothered yourselves in giving birth to a new life of healing and self discovery.
May your day be blessed with Love and comfort!
Nanakoosa

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Facebook | Nanakooa’s Healing Place

Facebook | Nanakooa's Healing Place

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Facebook

Facebook

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Dreams

Dreams:

Often times individuals who have experienced trauma will relive that trauma in their dreams, or rather nightmare, which replay or imitate closely details of their abuse. For women in recovery from substance abuse the dreams often appear in the form of sudden and unexpected
using or drinking. These dreams are commonly known in the recovery community as “using dreams”. These dreams occur commonly in the early stages of recovery and healing but they may also make surprise appearances years later, often seemingly “out of the blue”

 

Most likely these dreams and sometimes accompanying flashbacks are triggered by some cue that we may not have consciously recognized. “Triggers” can come in many forms, a person who somehow

reminds you of your abuser, hearing of or witnessing violence on television or in the news, or being at an event where alcohol is being consumed are all examples of some obvious triggers. Although these triggers seem obvious enough we often brush them aside, especially after many years of distance between us and the original incident(s). We don’t realize, or don’t want to admit, that those events can still affect us negatively. It is not always our own unwillingness to acknowledge the power our memories still have. Sometimes memories stored deeply can be aroused without our conscious awareness of a triggering event.

Sometimes we are triggered by subtle stimuli, a song, a scent, a sense of déjà vu that awakens an image or feeling from our past. In our busy day we may pay no mind to that feeling and continue on with our business. But at night when we sleep and the subconscious mind takes over, the trigger is still there and unrestrained by the well meaning orderly ego. This is when those pesky dreams may appear.

Although these dreams can be disturbing, leaving us feeling jumpy and unsettled all the next day, there is value in their occurrence. We may learn and heal with the help of these dreams if we know how to use them to our benefit. And if they are causing undue stress and lack of sleep, there are ways we can learn to cope. At this point I want to remind my readers that a general rule of thumb is that when thoughts, events, emotions or physical symptoms advance to the point that they are interfering with one’s daily functioning, it’s usually time to seek professional help. Assuming however you are not to this point there are a few tips to help you use your “bad dreams” as tools for enlightenment and healing.

Keep a dream journal- this practice can be helpful for a few different reasons. First, writing the dream can help you process the feelings behind it just as talking to someone about it would When we are able to put our feelings in the light it often takes away some of the fear and confusion embedded in them. It is when we repress these feelings and fears that they come back to harass us again and again. Secondly a dream journal helps you keep track of when these dreams occur which may possibly help you to link them to events and situations that may be triggering for you, Finally, dreams are often confusing and seem to make little sense at first review, I have found that by looking back at my dream journals weeks or even months later, meanings and impressions are much more clear than at first glance.

Another practice that can be helpful (and some people find it easier to do this than others, but I guarantee with practice it becomes easier) is to prepare yourself before going to sleep. Tell yourself that if you have a nightmare you will be safe. Have a plan for how to confront it. It may not work the first time, but like anything new it takes practice. At one time I was having repeated nightmares of my ex-husband ridiculing me and verbally abusing me. I kept practicing preparing myself before going to sleep and finally I was able to walk away from him in one dream. In the next I turned to him and screamed “leave me alone you can’t hurt me anymore!” It worked. I rarely dream of him anymore and if I do I am no longer in a victim role in the dreams.

There are many additional techniques to use when confronting triggers and flashbacks and I am currently working on compiling a recommended reading list to share with my readers. I would also love to hear from my readers as to your experiences with taming the dragons of unwanted memories, flashbacks and nightmares. We all have a lot to offer each other by sharing our paths to healing!

Peace and Blessings and Sweet Dreams!

Nanakoosa

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Going with the flow

Last night before bed I created an inspiring and ambitious to do list for myself. I had a blog topic picked out and some other writing I’d planned to do and, oh yeah that pile of laundry that is now so big I can’t open my bedroom door all the way. I snuggled into bed with the three cats and the dog feeling very proud of myself and organized ready for a productive new day.
I woke up this morning at the usual time, to make sure my 16 year old son was out the door for school. The house was cold and the sky was gloomy and since none of my four legged companions seemed to find any reason to get out of bed I climbed back in with them.
Besides I had (have) one of those terrible neck-headaches that won’t go away and won’t let me think. I had also had crazy dreams of the sort that you don’t fully remember but you know something was being worked out in your subconscious.
So I’ve decided today is a day for going with the flow, for feeling more than thinking, and yeah I’ll probably do some laundry.
So, that’s the flow Ladies, and I’m sticking with it. And I can cross blog post off my list even if it’s not what I’d intended. Sometimes things just aren’t what we intended, but if we go with the flow we can make it work for us.
Peace and Blessings,
Nanakoosa

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abundance: allowing yourself to receive

I’m sitting here on my bed writing on my brand new laptop. What luxury, I think to myself. My old laptop was purchased for 150.00, rebuilt, and of course it was better than nothing, but it ran slowly and the power cord didn’t seem to quite fir. It would not stay properly connected which would result in me having to get it propped in there in just a certain way and then NOT MOVE while the connection was maintained. And the battery was so weak, I didn’t dare leave it unplugged for any length of time. Like I said it was better than nothing, and I’ve been trained throughout my life to be grateful for what you have and to make do with very little.
Now there is a lot to be said for gratitude, a little goes a long way and we should be grateful for what we have. Unfortunately some of us interpret that to mean that we have to “settle” and never bother striving for anything better. This is especially true when we have been taught that we don’t deserve better, ot are otherwise made to feel inferior. Whether this belief was imposed on us by our parents, teachers, abusive partners or even by ourselves for feeling guilty over mistakes we have made, the end result is the same…we believe that we don’t deserve. We don’t deserve to be happy. We don’t deserve to be loved. We don’t deserve prosperity. The list of things we deny ourselves goes on and on.
This was a particularly difficult issue for me. Having been raised in a family were money was tight and social consciousness was high I was taught at an early age about poverty and class. it’s a good lesson to learn early on, but somehow the messages got mixed. Maybe because I was an especially sensitive child who tended to take on other peoples problems, I began at an early age to feel that it was wrong for me to have things that other people couldn’t have. As if my sacrifice would somehow ease others suffering. Martyrdom begins at an early age for some of us.
Later in my Hippie morphed into Punk phase as a late teen/early adult I was quick to suppress my growing desire to maybe want some material things (at least the latest fashions) into the fashion of rebellion and poverty. We wore ratty clothes and lived in crummy apartments because we rebelled against white middle class America. Never mind the fact that was where most of us were born and bred.
Cycling through different justifications, some of them “moral principles” and some of them born of pure guilt and low self worth, I carried this “poverty mentality” well into my adulthood. It has only been in recent years that I have come to realize a few facts that have helped me change my penchant for self denial.
First and foremost I have worked very hard via therapy, alternative healing, reading, meditation and support from those close to me to rediscover my authentic self and develop a compassionate relationship with myself.Without taking this first step nothing that follows would have been possible. Second, I realize the faulty thinking in the belief that my if others were lacking or suffering I had no right not to. How would my suffering ease their? On the other hand if I have something to give, if I have the tools and resources at my disposal, I can do a great deal to help others. Finally, I came to the conclusion that the people in my life who taught me I “couldn’t have/didn’t deserve were not people who were invested in my best interests. In face a few of them were quite invested in keeping me down, under their control. And why would I chose to hold on to their messages?
Finally, no matter how much I allow myself to receive, it’s not in my character to want more than I need or to become obsessed with materialism, and I think it’s safe to say that for most of us who are survivors. We have a compassion and generosity that has grown out of pain and loss. It is one of the greatest gifts we can claim, and be grateful for, that our histories have given us. Let’s just remember to save a little of that for ourselves.
One final thought from my Mother, ‘The Universe will take care of your need, but not your greed”
Peace and blessings,
Nanakoosa

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