Looking back at my last post stirs the kettle of emotion for me right now. Part of me feels almost embarrassed at the dark self indulgence and misery. And yet, I know that is part of the process. I know myself well enough to know that Hep C or no Hep C, if I find an emotion is becoming an annoying presence, like a pimple forming, that I need to indulge that feeling, to give it it’s due attention.
There have been so may times in life that I have held back my feelings, pushed them aside and pulled myself up by the bootstraps to carry on as the Brave Little Soldier. Some of us learn to do that at a very young age. There were things going on in my family, growing up that as the oldest I felt it was my duty to “pull it together” and carry on in order to protect my siblings. And besides, focusing on them was easier than experiencing my own fear and confusion. That response may serve it’s purpose in the short term, but it comes with a high price tag in the long run. Fortunately I’ve learned a few things along the way and one of them is that those buried feelings have to come out and be acknowledged somehow. Ironically, being on treatment, sitting at home most days, I am immersed in the “opportunity” to experience my emotions, whether I like it or not.
To quote my fellow Hep C blogger Eva,
“Yet the mostly painful and disturbing thoughts or distorted fixations continued regardless of whether I wished to turn attention to more healing or cheerful possibilities” http://evaday.blogspot.com/
This is so accurate, our minds have a mind of their own, so to speak. There are thoughts and emotions we really have little, if any, control over. It frightens me to remember that some people become delusional and /or suicidal on this treatment. It’s one more reason that we really need each other, and our friends and families, our medical providers, anyone close to us to try to understand that we need support, we need understanding and feedback.
© 2011 Jennifer Hazard
Image courtesy of the Graphics Fairy