>When Your Mind Has a Mind of it’s Own


Looking back at my last post stirs the kettle of emotion for me right now. Part of me feels almost embarrassed at the dark self indulgence and misery. And  yet, I know that is part of the process. I know myself well enough to know that Hep C or no Hep C, if I find an emotion is becoming an annoying presence, like a pimple forming, that I need to indulge that feeling, to give it it’s due attention.
There have been  so may times in life that I have held back my feelings, pushed them aside and pulled myself up by the bootstraps to carry on as the Brave Little Soldier. Some of us learn to do that at a very young age. There were things going on in my family, growing up that as the oldest I felt it was my duty to “pull it together” and carry on in order to protect my siblings. And besides, focusing on them was easier than experiencing my own fear and confusion. That response may serve it’s purpose in the short term, but it comes with a high price tag in the long run. Fortunately I’ve learned a few things along the way and one of them is that those buried feelings have to come out and be acknowledged somehow.  Ironically, being on treatment, sitting at home most days, I am immersed in the “opportunity” to experience my emotions, whether I like it or not.
To quote my fellow Hep C blogger Eva, 

Yet the mostly painful and disturbing thoughts or distorted fixations continued regardless of whether I wished to turn attention to more healing or cheerful possibilities” http://evaday.blogspot.com/

This is so accurate, our minds have a mind of their own, so to speak. There are thoughts and emotions we really have little, if any, control over. It frightens me to remember that some people become delusional and /or suicidal on this treatment. It’s one more reason that we really need each other, and our friends and families, our medical providers, anyone close to us to try to understand that we need support, we need understanding and feedback.

I am so incredibly grateful for the people I’ve met along this crazy timeless path through the mist.  I’m grateful for the others who write and blog and share their stories with courage and honesty. We’ve got a pretty good community going here. I guess we could say “it takes a village to raise a Hep survivor” I hope that new readers will find welcome and comfort in our little “village”.

© 2011 Jennifer Hazard
Image courtesy of the Graphics Fairy


About nanakoosa

Me...I am a trained Advocate and Counselor with 20 years experience working with Youth and Families. My most recent employment brought me to the field of Domestic and Sexual Violence Counseling and support. I myself am a Survivor of violence and have been on both side of the service desk, which provides for a unique, often conflicting, theoretical orientation. I am a regular blogger, journal keeper and story teller. My current focus is to give voice to the experiences of survivors, to shine some light in the dark corners of family life where all the spiders and creepy things hide. I also enjoy writing about my unconventional childhood in the tumultuous 60's and am dabbling in memoir writing. I have three wonderful children, two fabulous granddaughters and an assortment of pets. View all posts by nanakoosa

2 responses to “>When Your Mind Has a Mind of it’s Own

  • eva

    >jenny – yes understand the mixed reaction to our own darker reactions, so to speak. by way of response to your latest post would like to just offer q quick stories from own life. by sheer random chance, at age 12, I read 2 psychotherapy books both at time very popular. "Games People Play" and "I'm Ok, You're Ok." this reading – the concepts, the power of describing otherwise hidden or tabbo perceptions, and the potential of words as a medium for healing and growth – was a huge revelation to me. as was, in early adult years, also by chance coming across a bookk called something like "Writers writing about … mental health." Of course the Sylvia Plaths and Stevie Smiths of this world, wounded gift makers, were there. But so were many surprising names who had been through some kind of depression or breakdown….. this was when I first begain to really understand that there was a potential freedom, truth, healing and connection with self and others in speaking of the unspeakable… pushing against boundaries of social convention. and allowing pain to be hopefully transformative and even a vital part of the creative process?(sorry if that's a bit long or rambly, my mind is in hyper today…) warm regards and thanks for your mention of an offering from me. and for all your thoughtful reflections, very much enjoyed. xx eva

  • Nanakoosa

    >Eva,So true that words and art can be healing and also that our wounds can be a catalyst for creativity. It does seem that many great artists, writers and musicians have been through difficulties, if only feeling "different" or "isolated"I think this realization and opportunity to actually create something out of it, has been the big gift of this year of treatment for me (hard to say much of anything else good about it, ha ha)xoJen

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